Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Roller Coaster Ride

Yesterday, Chad and I came to fully understand what it means to be on the roller coaster ride that is called the NICU.

Since day one it hasn't been the funnest ride we've ever been on, I'm not going to lie. The most dramatic, by far...but definitely not the funnest.

Immediately after Logan was born, the doctor who was helping with the c-section leaned over the little curtain separating me from the gore and said "Congratulations". This should be considered an appropriate response toward one who had just had a baby...but at the time I wasn't so sure. Please, don't misunderstand, I am utterly thrilled to have my precious little Logan, but a "Congratulations, you just had your baby 10 weeks early, and he's going to be in the NICU until his due date." doesn't seem completely worthy of such congratulations.

Every bit of happiness we have (and it is a lot) over having our little boy here seems to be surrounded by a fog of worry. know...pretty much sounds par to parenthood, right? Every new parent worries about their new one and if they can hack it as parents. ...That kind of worry I felt a little more prepared for. Our little situation seems to be a whole other ball game of which we have received no prior explanation on the rules.

No one told me I wouldn't be allowed to hold my new baby more than once a day...IF that. No one told me that I wouldn't be able to touch him without scrubbing off my top 3 layers of skin first. And that when I did touch him it would be through two little arm wholes in the side of an enclosed box.

No one told me that I should expect to see my baby covered in tubes and wires for the first few months of his life. And they most certainly failed to mention that I need to prepare mentally to handle watching people poke and prod my little one on a daily basis to test him for things I've never even heard of. No one taught me how to read a stats monitor, or explained to me that when the monitor goes off there is nothing to worry about for at least 30 sec. No one taught me how to measure his belly girth...nor did anyone ever say WHY I would ever need to. And worst of all, no one can tell me how long this "game" is going to last, if there was any shortcuts, or how exactly one can win.

No, I came into this game totally blind. I read all the wrong books, I prepared for all the wrong scenarios, and I was given lessons, advice, and fore warnings, which although may one day be applicable...they certainly don't feel very applicable now.

Logan has been doing so good, he's progressed and developed faster than anyone ever expected him to, but yesterday...yesterday was our first taste of a set back. Our first taste of a delay to get our baby home. Since being in the NICU we've heard it happens, and that it's pretty much standard for every baby who passes through there, we just had really high hopes that our baby would be the exception...we were wrong. Our little guy had to be put back on his oxygen yesterday. He's been struggling to keep his O-levels up during his feeds, and he seems to have a pretty rotten case of reflex, which doesn't help.

They tell us that all of this is "age appropriate behavior"...and you got to give the little duffer props, I mean, he's only 32 1/2 weeks old (gestationally). He's supposed to have another 8 weeks to develop within the safety of his womb inside of me. But age appropriate or watch your little guy go blue and have an oxygen mask put on his face and hear the incessant beeping of all of his monitors alarms going off... it's almost more than a parent can take.

I know he is going to be fine. I know all he needs is time to develop and to grow. I know that one day we will actually be able to bring him home and take all those wires and monitors off of him. But knowing all that doesn't keep my worries at bay. It doesn't change the fact that he turned an eerie shade of blue, and that he's added a tube, instead of getting rid of one yesterday.

Definitely not the funnest roller-coaster.

I'm very much looking forward to the day when we can get off.


  1. Oh Kandace, I love you. I'm so sorry you guys have to go through this! You are in my thoughts and prayers always. In a few months this will be a memory - in the meantime stay strong and don't forget to take care of yourself!

  2. Okay seriously you're making me cry!!! I'm so sorry you have to go through this, yes we all dream of having a perfect baby and taking them home and "all is great" but guess what life isn't that way, some can't even have babies of their own, some come out with life time problems (deaf, down syndrome, and the list goes on.) I know you feel you are in the hole and this is the worst thing. thinking this isn't supposed to happen to me, but it did, and you're doing great! you've already come so far, you can and you will do this!! You have sooo many people cheering you on!! your names are in the temple, The prayers are pouring out for you!!! I know it's sucks, I would do anything I could for you, but you have to remember all your blessings!!! Logan will get through this he'll be a normal baby and boy you just have to be tested a little/lot to get there first. Just think how EXTRA special that day will be when you do get to take him home to his new room and you get to be a normal mom!! Get on a Ski lift and just keep looking up the hills below you will always go up and down like a roller coaster but you just keep going up!! look at the blesses not the set backs!! "Remember this too shall pass." Pres. Hickley Be positive because I know Logan will feel your attitude and HE NEEDS you, and your hope and faith!! I love you all!!! kind of a long post I guess! haha

  3. Kandace I'm so sorry you have to go though all of this. I wish you could have known what it was like to take your 2 day old baby home from the hospital but for some reason God decided to send him a little earily. Truthfully I have been amazed how well he has been doing being so small. Heck they told me when Ty came at 37 weeks he might need help breathing so your little Logan has done so well! Nothing can prepare you for the hurt of watching your little baby being poked and prodded. You feel like you are suposed to protect them and you can't do anything about it. We love you tons! We will keep praying for Logan! (and you guys too, heaven knows you need the support too!)

  4. Ohh Kandace thank you for sharing- really. I think we all need to hear how it is, and your feelings are so understandable. I actually thought you worded things beautifully. Really you should write a book for moms who have a preemie baby, so they know they aren't the only ones with those feelings. You worded everything so well, and is it weird that I didn't think it was quite so negative (sorry Chad) I just felt like it was real life- exactly what you are going through right now. You have been handling things marvelously and it's important for you to express the discouragement too- it's healthy.
    I think the world of you- I love you! And it's so crazy how much I love Logan before I even saw him. I think about him all the time. I was going to get rid of toys the other day and thought I would save them for Logan instead! I pray for you daily, and know that the Lord is mindful of you. I love you and please call me if you need anything.

  5. I'm so sorry you're going through this! I remember going to the NICU every morning, and walking through the doors of the hospitals I would see mom's going home with their babies. I always wanted to stop them and say, "Do you know how lucky you are???" It's hard. I felt really guilty having my babies in the NICU. Not being able to hold them as often as I thought they needed to be held. Just sitting in a chair staring @ my boys was rough. I prayed a lot about it. I truly believe that there are lots of angels in the NICU. Watching over our babies, when we can't be there. I asked Heavenly Father every night to send angels to my boys (on the seperate occasions) to comfort them when I couldn't be there. It helped bring ME a lot of comfort too. It's NOT an easy journey. But it is a beautiful thing to watch your baby make progress! Logan is precious. If you need anything please let me know. I think we're just a few doors down. Good luck on this journey!